Bwahahaha!!!! Forward my Minions!!!!

I... really haven't updated this, have I? Ah well, I'll try to remember to get back on and update more frequently. I just turned 18 and... I don't feel it. I don't feel 18 at all...

Ah well... And now for the real reason I'm updating this right now... It's... taken me a while to put this together. I had to deal with some things before I was sane enough to start writing this out. I know you'll likely never read this, but I was hoping that this would at least help me handle things.

I am sorry. I am truely and utterly sorry. I never meant to hurt you. /Never/. I... understand why you did what you did. I really do. But I wish you had given me a chance to explain. I /know/ what I did was stupid on an epic level. But I had a reason for what I did. And at the time, it was the best thing I could think of to do.

And now... Now I want to explain. It might not have been accurately reflected in what I said... but I was trying to help you. Trying to apologize. I was going to kill myself that night. I was going to go into the office, take a CD, break it and slit my arms from wrist to elbow. And all I could think about was how you and the whole world would be better off without me. You were the one person I had left. The one person that I knew still cared. And I didn't want you to blame yourself. I wanted you to know that I knew what I was doing was stupid, and that you weren't to blame. I just needed to tell you. I... wasn't sane. At all. And I loved you with all of my heart and I still do. I've had a crush on you pretty much since the first time I met you. And I never ever told you because I knew you were too good, too wonderful for me. All I could do was be grateful you were my friend.

I wasn't trying to manipulate you. I really wasn't. I was trying to apologize, trying to say good bye.

The only reason I'm not dead right now, is because I started thinking about you. I didn't want you to feel at all responsible. Because it was never your fault. You took care of me, were there for me. I know I couldn't be the friend I should have been. But I /tried/. For you, I tried as hard as I could. But in the end, that wasn't hard enough.

That night, after I sent the e-mail, all I could do was think about what I was about to do. Think about how few people would come to my funeral. Think about how you would be much better off without me weighing you down. And just as I was about to get up, having spent several hours lost in my thoughts... Mom came down the stairs. And no matter what else I am, I am not enough of a monster to kill myself in front of my mother. And she sent me to bed, and by morning... I had forgotten. The urge, the need to die was still there, but I had forgotten what I had done in the night.

So... Again... I'm so, so, so sorry. I love you. I really do. And I am sorry I hurt you, and I'm sorry that I never could be good enough for you. And I'm above all, sorry I'm sick and haven't been able to get better. Please, I wish you all the best in this world. I wish you every happiness, every joy and every love that you could possibly ever want. And please, please don't hate me...

And... on that note... Happy 18th Birthday to me.

No really. Which Tales of the Abyss character are you? created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Jade Curtiss You are Jade. You were quite the sadist in your old days, but that's pretty much over now that life has moved on. Though, you've come to a point where your sarcasm makes children cry and flowers wilt. That and you have this kind of wisdom that drives people insane--just how much DO you know?! Jade Curtiss 80% Ion 70% Legretta 70% Tear Grants 65% Van 65% Natalia Luzu Kimlasca-Lanvaldear 65% Florian 65% Dist 60% Arietta 60% Luke Fon Fabre 60% Sync 60% Peony 55% Asch 55% Anise Tatlin 55% Original!Ion 50% Guy 30% Mieu 30% Largo 30%

Alright, because I am in a slightly better frame of mind, here are a few things to keep you lovely people amused...

What kind of pirate am I? You decide!
You can also view a breakdown of results or put one of these on your own page!
Brought to you by Rum and Monkey

What kind of looter am I? You decide!
You can also view a breakdown of results or put one of these on your own page!
Brought to you by Rum and Monkey

(This one in particular rocked... I didn't even know I could -get- Prime as an option...)

Which Colossal Death Robot Are You?
Brought to you by Rum and Monkey

Alright... Borrowed this from a friend...

The first one...

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	High
Schizoid:	Low
Schizotypal:	High
Antisocial:	Moderate
Borderline:	Very High
Histrionic:	Very High
Narcissistic:	Moderate
Avoidant:	Very High
Dependent:	High
Obsessive-Compulsive:	High
-- Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Information --

And the second...




Being perfectly honest with myself... -sigh- Nice to know online tests agree with my doctors.

Wow... I've been... not posting lately...

Life is currently... not a happy place. I mean... I tried. I really, sincerely gave it my best. I smiled, I thought positive, I got out and visited people. And you know what? I feel worse then I did before.

Clinical depression for me is all about that constant feeling of... worthlessness, hopelessness... all about that emptiness where something, anything should be.

This stupid, hell born sickness has cost me friends (Either because I talked too much, and let them know that yes, my day was bad, and no I wasn't all right. Or because I actually tried to explain that no, I can't cheer up, I have an illness where the key symptom is a distinct -lack- of happy.) It's cost me a chunk of my sanity (I can't bear silence, because when there isn't something for me to listen to, I hear... things. That I know aren't there. And that knowledge doesn't help) And it's cost me my life. I had... dreams, and plans and a future. I knew what I was doing and where I was going. And now? My family worries that I'll never graduate high school.

And times like this. They're the worst. Becuase I have no one to talk to. No one but the voices in my head and they're no help at all. I know there are people that have told me "No matter what, I'll be here for you." and people that have told me "Any time, day or night, you start feeling that way, you call me."

But I can't call them. Becuase once upon a time I took them seriously. Once upon a time I did tell them. I did talk to people. And that just put me in a worse hell then before. And it's not like there's anyone that I can talk to. No one's online, I'm certainly not going to call anyone... So it's just me and the nasties in my head.

It's hard to believe, on a planet with billions of people, I can feel so alone. I don't have the energy to do anything. I've tried. School work just sits there, I can't get interested in any online games, and the second I try and start writing something, the muses just vanish. And I think this is what hell is like. The want to do something, just not the will...

And I know I'm well off. I live in a nice house, I have more then enough food. I have a dry bed, and loving parents, and a pair of dogs and nice things. There are people being murdered and tortured and raped. And you know what? That makes me feel worse. Because my life is nice, and thiers isn't, and I've done nothing to deserve this. I -deserve- to die. I deserve to stop wasting space, and resources and oxygen, so all my nice things can go to people who deserve them.

But it's times like this, when it's late, and I'm all alone. When the demons inside me are laughing. When all I can think of is what's wrong with me... It's times like this when I realize just how much of a coward I am. People say suicide is the cowards way out. Because you're running away from your problems. But do they realize how much force of will it takes to push aside the body's will to survive? To shoulder past those instinctive defences? When you get down to it, I'm a pain sensitive coward, who doesn't have the courage to pick up the knife, or knot that noose, no matter how much I want to die.

Sometimes, when I close my eyes, I talk with him. Because for me, Death, the Grim Reaper, is a man. He's pretty attractive too. Has very pretty eyes, and pale skin, and the most beautiful smile. Just about my age, maybe a bit older. And he's so gentle, and welcoming. And he hugs me, and it's so warm I can hardly stand it. And I want so badly to stay with him. Because out here, in this world, I'm unlovable. Yes, people tell me I'm pretty. But we're obviously looking in different mirrors. Maybe on the outside, I've got a few attractive features. But on the inside? On the inside, I know myself, and I'm not a pretty person. If I was beautiful, on the inside, people wouldn't leave me, or hurt me, or tell me things just to see me cry. And even if they did, I'd be okay. But as it stands? I'm surrounded by beautiful people. I have women I think are goddesses. I have men who I think are Adonis in the flesh. And not a one of them knows I exist. And you know? It's better that way. If my taint, my poison, every stained one of them, I think I'd gain the courage I lack.

Maybe... maybe it's because I fear what comes next? I have ideas... beliefs. But there are so many places... And I think of what I know of theology. And I worry about who's right. A part of me wants to find out who's got it right. And a part of me... looks at Dante, and hell, and doesn't want to know.

So now... now I just sit, and cry and feel him hug me. And hear his voice, whispering gently in my ear. He... she... it... loves us. Every one of us. Everything with a life. And we all come. Eventually. But I can't seem to manage it. I look. I think. I plan. But in the end, I can't manage it. I'm a failure to the end. A worthless failure, with no life, who's only purpose is to serve as an example to others. "Don't do this children. Or you'll end up like her." I've lost so much... And even then, I know other's have lost more. But that doesn't stop it from hurting...

I'm going to stop this rambling little journey through my mind now. I wouldn't want anyone to get... frusterated with me. I think... I'm not sure what I think...

Well... Life sucks all of a sudden... I feel so insanely lonely... I mean, some of my former best friends are hanging out with my worst enemy... no one seems to talk to me, and no one seems to want me around... so what am I supposed to do? I keep trying to reach out, and I keep getting ignored...

I think I might be heading to a very bad place... and I don't want to go there, since I only just managed to struggle my way out...

Wow... It's been a -really- long time since I last posted, and I'm really sorry about that. Guess everyone has forgotten about me, huh? Oh well. For this first of the "I'm BACK!" entries, I'm actually going to try and be happy.

So, let's see here... I've been writing... a lot. I think that's good. I've switched to an online school, which means I spend all my time at home (So, no more dealing with idiots on a daily basis)

Not sure what else to add right now... I will be posting far more regularly now, at least once a week. Hopefully a few people will still remember me.

Excuse me while I rant. Okay. You guys know I love you right? You're my friends. I'd take a bullet for most of you. You make my day better by just saying hello. But I'm not Christian. I do not want to be Christian. No offense, but I'm still a little ticked about what your religious ancestors did, okay? To be fair, I gave your church a chance. I did. You know I did. And at least one of you knows what happened and know why my parents FORBID ME FROM GOING AGAIN!

You were well aware I was not Christian. This was a known fact. You told me that this was not going to be a problem, that your church was very accepting and that I was not going to be pressured. What I was not told was how much of a... I can't even say it... your "guest speaker" was. I was expecting the usual sermon. What I got? Was a rather long rant on the evils of witch craft, how spirit guides are actually demons and how anyone who "did not accept Jesus as their lord and savior" was going to have some seriously unpleasant stuff happen. Um... Yeah... Right. What was that about tolerant? Accepting? F that.

That was the worst experience I have ever had. I do not like churches very much. But I have a long history of going to them with my friends, A. So I can learn more about my friends' religion, and B. because I want to be with my friends. My parents have always been fine with this. They've also been fine with my personal choice of beliefs. I will not be attending your church again. And for the record? My spirit guides were quite interested to see what your church was like, seeing as you were all so fond of it. Now, I have had the sneaking suspicion that you were trying to get me to join. I have never been someone affected by peer pressure. But now? I didn't think there was such a thing as religious peer pressure, but I'm certainly experiencing it.

And now? The straw that broke the camel's back. One of you, who I count as a friend. Someone I can trust and rely on to make me relax. Someone I thought was willing to accept that there isn't only one way to go when it came to religions? Has pulled THIS on me. You want them to pray that he becomes Christian? Gives up his own beliefs in favor of yours? WHAT?!?! He's not Christian. He believes in evolution. Seems to me that's all fine. But... But... That? WHY?! It makes no sense at all... Why...

Yeah... I was originally going to be posting a happy, dancing post about my new crush. But now, I just want to go cry. I'm going to go light some incense and see if the Lady has any ideas on what to do. I'll write more on Monday...

Life is sucking. A lot. At the momement I just want to crawl in a hole and die. Let's see... All of the people I like, are either dating or are untouchable. School? Sucks. The weather? Snow, freezing rain and sleet. No sign of it letting up anytime soon. And to top it all off? The cherry on my wonderfully crummy life? I have NEVER felt this alone before. I'm so very, very alone and I don't know how to fix it. I suck at making friends, I always have. And now? When I finally thought I was getting better at it? That maybe, just maybe, I could be sorta normal for once? No. No normal for me. Mom and I worked so hard... and everything went wrong like it always does. Why does it always go wrong? What did I do to deserve this? No one else I know has this problem. Everything always seems to go right for them. Do you know what they complain about? That they're getting a C in some class or another. Do you know what I complain about? The side affects on the meds I'm taking, my symtoms getting worse or how my mind is going wrong.

I love them all so much, I adore them. Mom is worried, because she knows what's true. That I'll do anything, anything at all, to spend time with other people. Anything, I have given up carring what it is. I'm just so tired of being alone. And do you know what the worst is? Seeing everyone around me so happy ALL the time. Kissing and hugging and making plans. I never have plans. Do you know why? Because no one wants to spend time with me. I'm the freak, the weirdo, the odd one out. And everytime I think I've found it? Someone I can be with, a friend? Someone I can tell things to? Something happens. Something ALWAYS HAPPENS! And I'm so tired of it. What does the world want me to do?

I've been listening to some of the songs from Suicide Club, which I normally do. But until recently they didn't make sense and neither did the movie. And now it does. If you don't love yourself, it's easy to commit suicide. You just don't care anymore. That's kinda how I am now. I've stopped caring about myself. I don't care at all. It seems all I can feel now is pain, and there's so much of it out there.

I can almost understand why they don't want me around. After all, I'm not their perfect little Christian playmate. I think diffrently, and I'm NOT like they are. But I've gotten to the point, where I'm so tired of fighting it. You're always told in school, not to give into peer pressure. And they teach you to deal with it. Say no to drugs, say no to smoking. Well I know I can do that. I HAVE done that. But where do they teach you to say "no" to the other types of peer pressure? The pressure to follow the same god, go to the same church, think the same? How am I supposed to fight that?

You know things are getting bad when your mother calls you a cynic and a skeptic. I'm 16. She's in her mid 40's. And she has more good things to say than I do. She still has hope and I don't anymore. I've stopped trusting just about everything. The governement, every church on the planet, most of the doctors, all of my friends. And who can you trust, if not then? But then, I've never trusted them. Look what happens when I tell them the truth about myself, they run away. Or do what Lexy did, and rip me to shreds. What I want to do, so badly, is to just withdraw. Go into my room and read books, forever. I mean, that's almost what I do know. I have almost no human contactm and it hurts. Something inside me is dieing, and it doesn't want to go, and I keep trying to save it, but whatever I try fails. Maybe it's time to give up. Maybe it's time to put aside the things I love, and go with the flow. Hang up my beliefs, everything I have ever stood for, and let them turn me into a cookie cutter person. Let them take away my imagination, turn me into a round peg, to fit into the round hole.

But I don't want to. Inside I'm trying to rebel against that... stupidity. But... It's hard to fight when you're the only one on your side of the war...

I wrote something really weird this afternoon. I didn't even realize I was writing it really. One minute I'm thinking something and the next I'm half way down putting it on the computer. I don't have a clue what it really means, but I like it, and I think it says a lot about the how the world is. People say that everyone's special and everyone gets their 5 minutes of fame. I know that's not true. So... I wrote this. I'd appreciate hearing your thoughts on it and maybe some ways I could improve it or things you liked?

Here it is...

The whole world's a stage, and we're all in the play. And it doesn't matter what they say, not everyone is special, not everyone gets the spotlight for a little. And yeah, it's unfair, but whoever said life was fair? Not us, the actors in the back. There because we can't dance, or can't sing. We're not the people in the spotlight. The only time the light shines on us, is when we lose it, and that's never nice. But who ever said the world was nice? Look at me, I'm surrounded by them, the stars of the act, and they take all the attention. Maybe that's why I'm here? To work backstage, where no one can see my tears? Must be, because I've never gotten a solo. But who does? They do, the perfect people. The ones for whom the stage was made. So just remember, the whole world's a stage so you might as well dance. Everyone's watching and everyone laughs. So put on your mask and be in the play. But it's not nice, and one day, you're going to falter, and then, the play will finaly end. And when it does you'll realize, that it never really mattered, and it didn't have meaning. It was just a play, on a stage, with actors and lines, and no one will call you back, for the curtain fall and final bows

Well... life is sucking. Mom has insisted I keep on my new meds for at least another week, despite the horrible side affects. No one has returned any of my calls or e-mails, and I'm feeling very alone ;-; Insanely happy bubblegum pop has only helped a little bit... (Which is kinda sad, seeing as bubblegum pop is the happiest thing on the planet...)

I think the worst part is the alone. I can deal with most of the rest... But... I'm so bored! I can't get intrested in anything, not even reading. I just want my friends, badly. And none of them are here... I've been crying more lately, and I don't WANT to cry... It's just so hard to deal. I'm supposed to have all these friends, but no one ever calls (even though I know they have my number) no one ever e-mails (Even though I know they all have my e-mail address) no one ever wants to visit. It's like I don't exist. And that's my worst fear, to be invisible, to be all alone, to be there and have no one notice.

And I feel like it's my fault. It's my fault I'm sick, it's my fault I'm alone, it's my fault no one wants to spend time with me. Do I have a neon sign over my head with "avoid at all cost" on it? I know that it can be hard to be around me sometimes, but I can't help it! I just want a best friend, someone that will be there no matter what. I'm willing to do my half, but there's nothing on the other side of the equation.

I'm so confused, and I don't know what I'm confused about. Everything has been bothering me, the layout of my room, the color of my food, the texture of the carpet... I'm just hyper sensitive and I don't know how I'm supposed to cope with it. It would be so much easier if I could just cling to someone and cry it all out, but I don't have anyone to cling to.

Mom is always telling me to find a life line, something I can hold on to, to use to pull me up when I'm down, something to slow the beat of my internal pendulum... But I don't have anything... I'm all alone. The best friends I've ever known, I'm never going to meet, because they're miles away and offering comfort through the net... What am I supposed to do?

Yeah. Don't mind me today folks. My brain is totally fried from lack of sleep and my method of dealing with crushes. (Informing my brain of the likelyhood of my loosing streak ending anytime soon, especially with this particular person.) School's been... hectic. I miss my friends more than I like thinking about, and it's getting harder every day. I really wish I could see them more often, but... -shrugs- They always seem to be busy. It's not like /I/ ever have plans, you know? Oh well, I'll get used to it. Other than my current massive crush (Which is fiddling with my entire brain) things have been going pretty well. I've been working on lots of short stories, but I've had massive writer's block on my novel for most of the month. Mostly they've just been little things to amuse me, but it's good to be writing again. -smiles- Some of my friends know me all to well, among the gifts they gave me were a new journal with a note that said "You can never have too many blank books" and a beautiful sketch book (I still have to glomp the person that gave it to me =^-^=) I've FINALLY started back on working on costumes, which makes me happy, because I have a lot of them planned. Now all I have to do, is get the people the costumes are meant for, to come to my house, stand still while I do the last fittings and then take pictures =^-^= I <3 dressing people up, almost as much as I love being dressed up! -laughs- Mom got me some new fabrics and some costume makeup, so it'll be fun if it ever happens. On that note, I talked to mom, and she thinks it'd be a good idea if I hung out with my friends more often, but she's not sure how we're going to work that out. We already have a bunch of stuff we're planning to invite people to (Like a murder mystery night, some movie marathons and the like) but mostly I'm just worried about people coming. All my friends seem to have really busy scheduals, which makes getting together hard. That and people don't seem to like hanging out with me for too long. But I got mom to agree to some pretty cool stuff, like driving us up to Seattle to spend the day exploring the market. -sigh- I just wish I could see my friends more often... and my crush... but well... he falls into the bucket with my friends, at least I think he does... X-X

Ah well, I need sleep... 0-0 -dies- -comes back to life- Good night everyone!

P.S. I'm hoping to spend some time soon catching up on everything I've missed 0-0U

Well, it took me a while, but I'm back (at least for a little while) Life has been sucking SO much as of late. But there are a few postives, I had a birthday and got cool presents, and I now have a 4 day weekend. Other than that? Life has SUCKED!

Yeah... not going into that right now, seeing as it's a bit late. But tomorrow I will be bouncing around and filling you all in on the multitude of unpleasantness.

Well, I just realized how long it's been since I last posted and I felt HORRIBLE! And I missed you guys... I will be posting at least once every couple of days from now on, so you'll get to hear all about how things are going. And now feel free to skip the rest of this as I'm to lazy put a cut right now...


___________________

Let's see here... It's 12:12 AM and I have just realized how amazingly messed up my mind is. They upped my meds, added new meds and put me on 3 different supplements once they realized I wasn't eating. I'm not anorexic, eating just isn't something I remember to do anymore... I'm visiting four doctors on a regular basis and my parents are shelling out more money than I care to think about trying to make me better. And none of it's working. Outside, I've gotten better at pretending. I don't have break downs anymore, I don't cry and I don't scream. Inside? I keep getting worse. And no one can see it. I can't tell my friends. I used to try, so maybe they'd understand, but they thought I was joking. So, I hide in the library at school, and I try not to bother them. They'll be better off without me, right? I mean, I know I'm weird. But I try to be a harmless weird, something that'll make you think while you laugh. But part of the real me comes through sometimes... And I know as far as religion goes... I'm NOT Christian. I'm not really anything. The words I usually use are "Pagan" and "Wiccan" and people nodded and think they understand. They don't. And it's starting to hurt. Badly. I'm not changing. What I have works for me, but I can't help but feel like I'd be better friends with them if I did change...

What AM I? I keep asking that and I haven't found an answer. I care about my friends, but I feel like most of them don't care about me. I get the leavings, the left overs... And I can't say anything can I? Can't make my friends feel bad... I'm terrified of being left alone, of not having anyone...

I think as the more normal I try and be, the more I try and conform, the worse what's inside me gets. It hurts so, so much... the inadequacy, the fact that I can see what's really inside. Want to know a secret? Want to know why I love to dress up so much? It's so I can hide, so I can pretend not to be me, for just a little while...

Inside, I know what other people don't. That to become close to me is to become corrupted. My mom runs herself frantic trying to fix me, and the person I let closest, realized what I was and tried to tell everyone. But it didn't work did it? But what am I supposed to do? I've spent so long trying to be funny, thinking and saying things that other people didn't, that people don't realize when the mask comes off.

Here's the truth as I see it. I'm a monster. I'm ugly, I'm stupid and I'm corrupted. It'll be a lot better if everyone stays away. Maybe then I can die in peace, maybe then I can let myself go... Just remember that I love you all, every single one of you, and I wish you the best future this world or any other can give.

Here it is, my first Naruta fanfic! (Or at least the first chapter... I think it's going to be about 3 or 4 chapters long...)

The happy sounds of splashing water filled Irryk's sensitve ears as she rested in the inlet that was her normal home. Min and some of the teachers had let lessons out early and the children were gleefully taking advantage of that to play in the water. Just as she was about to go join them a soft voice called “Elder Irryk? I need your aid..." With a sigh and a promise to herself that she'd go and play later, the rather grey woman forced herself to come on land "Yes Kippal? What is it?" The owner of the voice came around the corner, revealed as a nervous young man "Um... I'm not sure how to say this, but we seem to have a problem." "I knew that. What sort of problem?" "You know how Marthlin was due today?" "Is something wrong? I'll get the healers!" "That's not the sort of problem we have. There's something odd about the child, and we think you need to take a look..." Grumbling under her breath, Irryk grabbed a robe from the pile nearby and followed the now panicking seal affinity to the birthing lodge, tying on her garment as she went.

Walking through the door, she found the new born set into her arms before she even knew what was happening. Nearly dropping the babe in surprise Irryk regained her composure and looked the clan's newest member over before placing her back in her mother's arms. "Nothing out of the ordinary, just a perfectly normal Earth sign... Wait... How did the child end up with Earth signs?" Sitting up Marthlin smiled “You forget Elder, I wasn’t born here. My own mother was an Earth sign and it appears to have skipped generations.” A smile brightened Irryk’s face as a neat solution presented to her mind. “When you are strong you and the child will go back to the Beastlands to visit your family. You haven’t been back in sometime, and your family can teach you something about raising an Earth sign. Sound good?” When both Marthlin and Kippal had nodded their agreement Irryk left the lodge to return to her own home.

Removing her clothing and sliding back into the water of the inlet she called ~Clikk?! Fish friend, I have questions! ~ ~Coming land walker! ~ Within a few minutes her best friend, Clikk, a bottlenose dolphin, had appeared. ~Questions? ~ ~Yeah, what do you think is happening out there? I have a feeling the Forces want us to look outwards, but I’m not sure to what. ~ Clikk turned his head to the side, and shrugged a dolphin’s shrug ~They’re the Forces. We’ll know eventually. Now, shall we beat Min at a game of Catch Me? ~ Swimming in front of her friend Irryk laughed ~Let’s! He has it coming!~

Yeah, this is the first part =^-^=

And now... About me: I'm a weird writer and poet who loves Roleplaying and listening to music. Most of the people I encounter inspire me and end up somewhere in my writings. I'm currently working on roughly ten original stories and I hope one day to be a professional writer. I found Naruta after meeting Northen on BRPS and deciding that it was really cool (and I'm SO glad I did!)

That good Northen?

Okay... That... SUCKED... Not doing that again... I went to look at one of my Ex's DA page to shop it to one of my friends, I thought (and still do) That she might get some good out of it... I wasn't expecting it to hurt NEARLY this much... I can't breathe, I can't think... It hurts... so very very bad...

I'll be fine... I always am... But it just hurts so bad.. In a way, he's the one that destroyed me... But... I just have to breathe, just have to keep going, just have to survive. And then I'm going to be famouse, and that will be the best revenge...

It hurts so much right now, all the diffrent parts of me are fighting... The part that still cares wants to talk to him, the part that hates him wants to tell him what he really did... and the dragon in me just wants him to go away and wants the pain to stop.

I look through my LJ friends list and I see so may strong people... Mazz, Oreana.. every other person on there I look up to and want to have thier strength of will.

This is all for tonight, my thoughts are getting incoherent and I ramble too much as it is... I'm just so very very tired of this, the pain... Oh well, night everyone. Thank you to all the people that help me get through every day, if you know it or not. Thank you for helping find the strength to survive, and thank you for being my friends.

-hugs-

'Ello all =^-^= Glad you folks liked my friend's pictures, she's got even more so you might want to check back... any way, remeber that last quiz I took? The one that I thought was super accurate? Well... I've got another one 0-0

( CREEEEPY!!! At least I think so... )

Alright folks! If any of you want to see pictures of me :crickets: :Looks around: Anyone? Come on! They're really cool!!!

Anyway... my friend stayed over and she's SOOOO awesome and took pretty pictures off me all dressed up... and while you're at it you can take a look of the rest of her awesome gallery!!!

Here's the link and please visit! (We can probably do requests if we try really hard!!!) Have fun!!!

http://littleladykaida.deviantart.com/

(In case you're wondering I am SOOO proud of how awesome everything turned out!)

W00t... totally random Meme... Real update will be coming later, I just thought this was cool... and pretty accurate =^-^=

Nemesis 33% Extroversion, 80% Intuition, 72% Emotiveness, 38% Perceptiveness

You are a normally quiet person with very strong convictions and a marked activist streak. You have a clearly defined sense of right and wrong, and you like seeing people punished for their transgressions. You are Nemesis, goddess of punishment. You are a champion for the defenseless, you love poetic justice and, if karmic retribution doesn't have its say, then you'll have yours. You are astute, rarely fooled, and idealistic. Famous People like you: Goethe, Voltaire, Susan B. Anthony, Robert Burns

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 99% on Extroversion You scored higher than 99% on Intuition You scored higher than 99% on Emotiveness You scored higher than 99% on Perceptiveness

Link: The Greek Mythology Personality Test written by Aleph_Nine on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

Here's the massively happy update I've been promising you... and it's going to be longer than my last rather emo one =^-^=

For starters I had roughly 4 hours of pure glee this afternoon!!! A. I got to hang out with one of my all time best friends (She's my sister... Not really... but I want her to be!!!!) playing video games =^-^= I also found someone who gives me scritches!!! She even scratched behind my ears!!! -glee- And she bit me (Something I'm quite fond of... no clue why... must be a dragon thing) So, my day was pretty good. Worked on some things for my friends (Shh, don't tell the panda but I'm saving up to get her a Vincent shirt! Or make one...)

Spent the night with one of my friends on Thursday, also much glee. Got to play NWN and FFX-2 Most fun =^-^= Trying to figure out when would be a good time to hold a big tie dye party for all my friends =^-^=

Hmm... Also been making plans for my halloween costume (I'd love to go as V, but most of the people I trick or treat at wouldn't get it...) I've narrowed my choices down to a futuristic techno punk raver or a genie =^-^=

I've also been planning my birthday party! (GO ME!!!) So far I'm inviting everyone of my friends I can think of... sad I can't drag all my LJ friends to my house to =^-^=

Writing has been going well, as has drawing. I have several characters I need to name (5 actually) and a total of 7 to put up on My Bored Muse... (I even have pictures for one of them that I drew my self -very proud-) I have a nice big pile of art to scan in once I get my poor rather dead scanner back (It decided to get mad at me for no real reason...) So, you'll all have that to look forward to as well as a HUGE writing dump coming up, including my 3 new stories, a bunch of plots, worlds and races that anyone can have (all I want is slight credit, please feel free to take the idea and run with it...) and a huge pile of characters that need homes =^-^=

And now for my long awaited (And not the last) gushing about V for Vendetta. Now, the first thing that you need to understand is that I have a very odd view of the world. In 8th grade I proposed cannibalism as a way to control the population and end world hunger (Hey, it's not at all nice, but it would work) amongst other things. My family is aware of my wish to destroy every human on the planet (And I'm more than willing to be the first) Me? Not so fond of people. In 7th grade I knew more about the holocaust than my teacher did. She and I ended up talking a lot. Upon watching "The Birds" My first thought was "Now if only that would happen in real life." But I also have the occasional sensible idea... I've come up with workable ways to overhaul our government, a few simple things people can do to make the world a better place and a bunch of ideas over how we could help the world in general. But at heart? I'm a radical. I like making informed opinions, but the ones I make are odd. I actually got in trouble with one of my liberal classmates when they found out I was VERY pro-death penalty. Do you know why? There are a lot of people currently behind bars that I have an entire list of tortures to use on. These people are monsters. Plain and simple. I also treat religion the same way I treat food. Some of it's nice, some of it I hate, but I don't want it all the time. There are things I believe in with all my heart. They just don't happen to be gods (in general...)

Watching V for Vendetta? Was like someone had taken all my fondest dreams, all my beloved ideas and given them a voice. I grinned so hard my cheeks hurt. I cheered through the entire end of the movie and I can't stop watching it. That's where our world is heading folks, let's stop it before it gets there, eh?

While we were watching it, and the little girl came on? The one with glasses? My mom immediately thought of me. Because in a lot of ways she was me and still is. V unlocks something within the self that was put there a long time ago. Not everyone has it. Sadly very few of the people who have it have ever made it to the places they should be to do the most good. That something, can't really be named. But it is an idea, that has resurfaced over and over again throughout history, and it looks like the USA is about to have a big dose of it. And I want to be there when it happens.

One thing a mask can do, is unlock who we are inside. It can create some of the most horrible monsters of normal everyday people. It frees the part of them that everyone has locked away. The part that thinks things that shouldn't be thought. But a mask can also do the most wonderful of things. It can free your mind, it can show you a different way to be, and it can unite you more then any flag.

-happy sighs- Well that's it for now. Expect more from me later, but I need a nap =^-^=