Magic Attitude


Wow. It has been an amazingly long time since I've posted here... So... For anyone who still actually reads this, I guess I'm coming out of my little hiding place back into the wider wild world of the internet. Hopefully getting back into forum RPing, since I've been strictly one-on-one for a number of years now... Mostly because everything in my life now is sort of starting to straighten out now and I /do/ want to expand my social circle. I keep popping onto a certain RP ranting LJ and seeing a wide variety of awesome people and thinking 'They seem nice!' so... Go me? Maybe?

Other then that, my birthday is coming up soon. Feels so... very very weird. I'm less then a month from being able to legally drink alcohol... Dangit Peter Pan, you were supposed to have shown /up/ by now...

Looking for work, getting into school, learning to drive (still haven't done that. I should not be behind the wheel... I'm really only doing it so I can get myself a nice little scooter and put along at a /blazing/ 15 MPH...)

So. Go me.
Magic Attitude

Hello Again...

I... really haven't updated this, have I? Ah well, I'll try to remember to get back on and update more frequently. I just turned 18 and... I don't feel it. I don't feel 18 at all...

Ah well... And now for the real reason I'm updating this right now... It's... taken me a while to put this together. I had to deal with some things before I was sane enough to start writing this out. I know you'll likely never read this, but I was hoping that this would at least help me handle things.

I am sorry. I am truely and utterly sorry. I never meant to hurt you. /Never/. I... understand why you did what you did. I really do. But I wish you had given me a chance to explain. I /know/ what I did was stupid on an epic level. But I had a reason for what I did. And at the time, it was the best thing I could think of to do.

And now... Now I want to explain. It might not have been accurately reflected in what I said... but I was trying to help you. Trying to apologize. I was going to kill myself that night. I was going to go into the office, take a CD, break it and slit my arms from wrist to elbow. And all I could think about was how you and the whole world would be better off without me. You were the one person I had left. The one person that I knew still cared. And I didn't want you to blame yourself. I wanted you to know that I knew what I was doing was stupid, and that you weren't to blame. I just needed to tell you. I... wasn't sane. At all. And I loved you with all of my heart and I still do. I've had a crush on you pretty much since the first time I met you. And I never ever told you because I knew you were too good, too wonderful for me. All I could do was be grateful you were my friend.

I wasn't trying to manipulate you. I really wasn't. I was trying to apologize, trying to say good bye.

The only reason I'm not dead right now, is because I started thinking about you. I didn't want you to feel at all responsible. Because it was never your fault. You took care of me, were there for me. I know I couldn't be the friend I should have been. But I /tried/. For you, I tried as hard as I could. But in the end, that wasn't hard enough.

That night, after I sent the e-mail, all I could do was think about what I was about to do. Think about how few people would come to my funeral. Think about how you would be much better off without me weighing you down. And just as I was about to get up, having spent several hours lost in my thoughts... Mom came down the stairs. And no matter what else I am, I am not enough of a monster to kill myself in front of my mother. And she sent me to bed, and by morning... I had forgotten. The urge, the need to die was still there, but I had forgotten what I had done in the night.

So... Again... I'm so, so, so sorry. I love you. I really do. And I am sorry I hurt you, and I'm sorry that I never could be good enough for you. And I'm above all, sorry I'm sick and haven't been able to get better. Please, I wish you all the best in this world. I wish you every happiness, every joy and every love that you could possibly ever want. And please, please don't hate me...

And... on that note... Happy 18th Birthday to me.
  • Current Music
    Europa- Globus
Magic Attitude

Jade= Life is Good

No really. Which Tales of the Abyss character are you?
created with
You scored as Jade Curtiss

You are Jade. You were quite the sadist in your old days, but that's pretty much over now that life has moved on. Though, you've come to a point where your sarcasm makes children cry and flowers wilt. That and you have this kind of wisdom that drives people insane--just how much DO you know?!

Jade Curtiss






Tear Grants




Natalia Luzu Kimlasca-Lanvaldear








Luke Fon Fabre








Anise Tatlin









Magic Attitude


Alright, because I am in a slightly better frame of mind, here are a few things to keep you lovely people amused...

What kind of pirate am I? You decide!
You can also view a breakdown of results or put one of these on your own page!
Brought to you by Rum and Monkey

What kind of looter am I? You decide!
You can also view a breakdown of results or put one of these on your own page!
Brought to you by Rum and Monkey

(This one in particular rocked... I didn't even know I could -get- Prime as an option...)
Optimus Prime!
Which Colossal Death Robot Are You?
Brought to you by Rum and Monkey
Magic Attitude


Alright... Borrowed this from a friend...

The first one...

Borderline:Very High
Histrionic:Very High
Avoidant:Very High

-- Personality Disorder Test --
-- Personality Disorder Information --

And the second...

Loneliness Quotient: 81%

Your Personalized Assessment Report:

81 is a very high LQ score, meaning you have definite loneliness issues that must be addressed. Such a high score means action ought to be taken to lower it to a more healthy level. One spot of weakness is your friend situation. Difficulties in this area are having an impact on your loneliness, and this is something that needs improvement. In addition, your family relations, or lack thereof, are another weak spot in terms of your loneliness. This is an area that can use improvement. An even worse area for you is your romantic life. Making improvements here by finding a good guy can drastically cut your level of loneliness. In order to find true love and friendships you must learn to defeat your shyness and increase your interactions with people. Compounding the shyness problem is the lack of people in your area who you can get along with. It's difficult, but you must look that much harder to find people to interact with. Finally, it is important that you address some major insecurity issues you seem to have. This will enable you to further improve your social interactions and reduce your loneliness even further.

Take the Loneliness Quotient Test at Dating Diversions

Being perfectly honest with myself... -sigh- Nice to know online tests agree with my doctors.

Fear and courage

Wow... I've been... not posting lately...

Life is currently... not a happy place. I mean... I tried. I really, sincerely gave it my best. I smiled, I thought positive, I got out and visited people. And you know what? I feel worse then I did before.

Clinical depression for me is all about that constant feeling of... worthlessness, hopelessness... all about that emptiness where something, anything should be.

This stupid, hell born sickness has cost me friends (Either because I talked too much, and let them know that yes, my day was bad, and no I wasn't all right. Or because I actually tried to explain that no, I can't cheer up, I have an illness where the key symptom is a distinct -lack- of happy.) It's cost me a chunk of my sanity (I can't bear silence, because when there isn't something for me to listen to, I hear... things. That I know aren't there. And that knowledge doesn't help) And it's cost me my life. I had... dreams, and plans and a future. I knew what I was doing and where I was going. And now? My family worries that I'll never graduate high school.

And times like this. They're the worst. Becuase I have no one to talk to. No one but the voices in my head and they're no help at all. I know there are people that have told me "No matter what, I'll be here for you." and people that have told me "Any time, day or night, you start feeling that way, you call me."

But I can't call them. Becuase once upon a time I took them seriously. Once upon a time I did tell them. I did talk to people. And that just put me in a worse hell then before. And it's not like there's anyone that I can talk to. No one's online, I'm certainly not going to call anyone... So it's just me and the nasties in my head.

It's hard to believe, on a planet with billions of people, I can feel so alone. I don't have the energy to do anything. I've tried. School work just sits there, I can't get interested in any online games, and the second I try and start writing something, the muses just vanish. And I think this is what hell is like. The want to do something, just not the will...

And I know I'm well off. I live in a nice house, I have more then enough food. I have a dry bed, and loving parents, and a pair of dogs and nice things. There are people being murdered and tortured and raped. And you know what? That makes me feel worse. Because my life is nice, and thiers isn't, and I've done nothing to deserve this. I -deserve- to die. I deserve to stop wasting space, and resources and oxygen, so all my nice things can go to people who deserve them.

But it's times like this, when it's late, and I'm all alone. When the demons inside me are laughing. When all I can think of is what's wrong with me... It's times like this when I realize just how much of a coward I am. People say suicide is the cowards way out. Because you're running away from your problems. But do they realize how much force of will it takes to push aside the body's will to survive? To shoulder past those instinctive defences? When you get down to it, I'm a pain sensitive coward, who doesn't have the courage to pick up the knife, or knot that noose, no matter how much I want to die.

Sometimes, when I close my eyes, I talk with him. Because for me, Death, the Grim Reaper, is a man. He's pretty attractive too. Has very pretty eyes, and pale skin, and the most beautiful smile. Just about my age, maybe a bit older. And he's so gentle, and welcoming. And he hugs me, and it's so warm I can hardly stand it. And I want so badly to stay with him. Because out here, in this world, I'm unlovable. Yes, people tell me I'm pretty. But we're obviously looking in different mirrors. Maybe on the outside, I've got a few attractive features. But on the inside? On the inside, I know myself, and I'm not a pretty person. If I was beautiful, on the inside, people wouldn't leave me, or hurt me, or tell me things just to see me cry. And even if they did, I'd be okay. But as it stands? I'm surrounded by beautiful people. I have women I think are goddesses. I have men who I think are Adonis in the flesh. And not a one of them knows I exist. And you know? It's better that way. If my taint, my poison, every stained one of them, I think I'd gain the courage I lack.

Maybe... maybe it's because I fear what comes next? I have ideas... beliefs. But there are so many places... And I think of what I know of theology. And I worry about who's right. A part of me wants to find out who's got it right. And a part of me... looks at Dante, and hell, and doesn't want to know.

So now... now I just sit, and cry and feel him hug me. And hear his voice, whispering gently in my ear. He... she... it... loves us. Every one of us. Everything with a life. And we all come. Eventually. But I can't seem to manage it. I look. I think. I plan. But in the end, I can't manage it. I'm a failure to the end. A worthless failure, with no life, who's only purpose is to serve as an example to others. "Don't do this children. Or you'll end up like her." I've lost so much... And even then, I know other's have lost more. But that doesn't stop it from hurting...

I'm going to stop this rambling little journey through my mind now. I wouldn't want anyone to get... frusterated with me. I think... I'm not sure what I think...

So Lonely...

Well... Life sucks all of a sudden... I feel so insanely lonely... I mean, some of my former best friends are hanging out with my worst enemy... no one seems to talk to me, and no one seems to want me around... so what am I supposed to do? I keep trying to reach out, and I keep getting ignored...

I think I might be heading to a very bad place... and I don't want to go there, since I only just managed to struggle my way out...
  • Current Music
    Nightwish- Nemo
Stupid people


Wow... It's been a -really- long time since I last posted, and I'm really sorry about that. Guess everyone has forgotten about me, huh? Oh well. For this first of the "I'm BACK!" entries, I'm actually going to try and be happy.

So, let's see here... I've been writing... a lot. I think that's good. I've switched to an online school, which means I spend all my time at home (So, no more dealing with idiots on a daily basis)

Not sure what else to add right now... I will be posting far more regularly now, at least once a week. Hopefully a few people will still remember me.
  • Current Mood
    anxious anxious
Magic Attitude


Excuse me while I rant. Okay. You guys know I love you right? You're my friends. I'd take a bullet for most of you. You make my day better by just saying hello. But I'm not Christian. I do not want to be Christian. No offense, but I'm still a little ticked about what your religious ancestors did, okay? To be fair, I gave your church a chance. I did. You know I did. And at least one of you knows what happened and know why my parents FORBID ME FROM GOING AGAIN!

You were well aware I was not Christian. This was a known fact. You told me that this was not going to be a problem, that your church was very accepting and that I was not going to be pressured. What I was not told was how much of a... I can't even say it... your "guest speaker" was. I was expecting the usual sermon. What I got? Was a rather long rant on the evils of witch craft, how spirit guides are actually demons and how anyone who "did not accept Jesus as their lord and savior" was going to have some seriously unpleasant stuff happen. Um... Yeah... Right. What was that about tolerant? Accepting? F that.

That was the worst experience I have ever had. I do not like churches very much. But I have a long history of going to them with my friends, A. So I can learn more about my friends' religion, and B. because I want to be with my friends. My parents have always been fine with this. They've also been fine with my personal choice of beliefs. I will not be attending your church again. And for the record? My spirit guides were quite interested to see what your church was like, seeing as you were all so fond of it. Now, I have had the sneaking suspicion that you were trying to get me to join. I have never been someone affected by peer pressure. But now? I didn't think there was such a thing as religious peer pressure, but I'm certainly experiencing it.

And now? The straw that broke the camel's back. One of you, who I count as a friend. Someone I can trust and rely on to make me relax. Someone I thought was willing to accept that there isn't only one way to go when it came to religions? Has pulled THIS on me. You want them to pray that he becomes Christian? Gives up his own beliefs in favor of yours? WHAT?!?! He's not Christian. He believes in evolution. Seems to me that's all fine. But... But... That? WHY?! It makes no sense at all... Why...

Yeah... I was originally going to be posting a happy, dancing post about my new crush. But now, I just want to go cry. I'm going to go light some incense and see if the Lady has any ideas on what to do. I'll write more on Monday...
  • Current Music
    Suteki Da Ne (Isn't it Beautiful?)


Life is sucking. A lot. At the momement I just want to crawl in a hole and die. Let's see... All of the people I like, are either dating or are untouchable. School? Sucks. The weather? Snow, freezing rain and sleet. No sign of it letting up anytime soon. And to top it all off? The cherry on my wonderfully crummy life? I have NEVER felt this alone before. I'm so very, very alone and I don't know how to fix it. I suck at making friends, I always have. And now? When I finally thought I was getting better at it? That maybe, just maybe, I could be sorta normal for once? No. No normal for me. Mom and I worked so hard... and everything went wrong like it always does. Why does it always go wrong? What did I do to deserve this? No one else I know has this problem. Everything always seems to go right for them. Do you know what they complain about? That they're getting a C in some class or another. Do you know what I complain about? The side affects on the meds I'm taking, my symtoms getting worse or how my mind is going wrong.

I love them all so much, I adore them. Mom is worried, because she knows what's true. That I'll do anything, anything at all, to spend time with other people. Anything, I have given up carring what it is. I'm just so tired of being alone. And do you know what the worst is? Seeing everyone around me so happy ALL the time. Kissing and hugging and making plans. I never have plans. Do you know why? Because no one wants to spend time with me. I'm the freak, the weirdo, the odd one out. And everytime I think I've found it? Someone I can be with, a friend? Someone I can tell things to? Something happens. Something ALWAYS HAPPENS! And I'm so tired of it. What does the world want me to do?

I've been listening to some of the songs from Suicide Club, which I normally do. But until recently they didn't make sense and neither did the movie. And now it does. If you don't love yourself, it's easy to commit suicide. You just don't care anymore. That's kinda how I am now. I've stopped caring about myself. I don't care at all. It seems all I can feel now is pain, and there's so much of it out there.

I can almost understand why they don't want me around. After all, I'm not their perfect little Christian playmate. I think diffrently, and I'm NOT like they are. But I've gotten to the point, where I'm so tired of fighting it. You're always told in school, not to give into peer pressure. And they teach you to deal with it. Say no to drugs, say no to smoking. Well I know I can do that. I HAVE done that. But where do they teach you to say "no" to the other types of peer pressure? The pressure to follow the same god, go to the same church, think the same? How am I supposed to fight that?

You know things are getting bad when your mother calls you a cynic and a skeptic. I'm 16. She's in her mid 40's. And she has more good things to say than I do. She still has hope and I don't anymore. I've stopped trusting just about everything. The governement, every church on the planet, most of the doctors, all of my friends. And who can you trust, if not then? But then, I've never trusted them. Look what happens when I tell them the truth about myself, they run away. Or do what Lexy did, and rip me to shreds. What I want to do, so badly, is to just withdraw. Go into my room and read books, forever. I mean, that's almost what I do know. I have almost no human contactm and it hurts. Something inside me is dieing, and it doesn't want to go, and I keep trying to save it, but whatever I try fails. Maybe it's time to give up. Maybe it's time to put aside the things I love, and go with the flow. Hang up my beliefs, everything I have ever stood for, and let them turn me into a cookie cutter person. Let them take away my imagination, turn me into a round peg, to fit into the round hole.

But I don't want to. Inside I'm trying to rebel against that... stupidity. But... It's hard to fight when you're the only one on your side of the war...
  • Current Music
    Dessert- Mail Me